RE: The Zombie Sitcom Party 2
by Bankotsubo
Summary: The big party is interrupted when Satan turns up, but why the hell has he come?


DISCLAIMER: Capcom own... Oh, jeez! Why do I have to keep doing this?!  
  
  
Resident Evil: The Zombie Sitcom Party 2  
  
INT. MANSION - EVENING  
  
CHRIS, JILL AND REBECCA are all in the main hall. They each have a beer.  
  
REBECCA  
"Man, what a boring p@rty!"  
  
JILL  
"You can say that again!"  
  
REBECCA  
"Man, what a boring p@rty!"  
  
CHRIS  
"Barry? Where's Barry?!"  
  
JILL  
(Sigh)  
"Must you always say that, Chris?"  
  
Just then, they hear a knock on the front door.  
  
JILL  
(Sarcastically)  
"I'll get it! Maybe it's Barry!"  
  
She opens the door. Leon and Claire are there, having sex on the doorstep.  
  
CLAIRE  
"Oh, oh, Leon! You're the best!"  
  
LEON  
"Shit, you know I am, Sexy!"  
  
JILL  
"Ahem!"  
  
They stop.  
  
LEON  
"Oh, hey Jill."  
  
JILL  
"What do you two want?"  
  
CLAIRE  
"We're here for the party. Wesker invited us."  
  
JILL  
"Okay, you better come in."  
  
They both walk in stark naked. The door shuts behind them.  
  
CHRIS  
(Spitting out his beer)  
"Claire! What the fuck?! Put some clothes on, dammit!"  
  
CLAIRE  
"Why bother? They're just gonna come off again, right Leon?"  
  
LEON  
"Yeah! You're right, Babe!"  
  
CHRIS  
(To Leon)  
"I blame you for the way she turned out..."  
  
Suddenly, there is another knock on the door. Jill answers it.  
  
JILL  
"Hel- Oh my God!"  
  
SATAN (from South Park) is outside.  
  
CHRIS (O.S)  
"Who is it, Jill?"  
  
JILL  
"The Prince of Darkness."  
  
CHRIS (O.S)  
"Who? Michael Jackson?"  
  
Satan walks into the hall. Everyone gasps.  
  
REBECCA  
"Ahh! Satan!"  
  
CLAIRE  
"Leon, do something!"  
  
LEON  
"I would, but I can't help but look at your beautiful, hot body."  
  
CHRIS  
"Don't worry, I'm sure Barry will save us."  
  
SATAN  
"I'm sorry for busting in here like this, but could I speak with the hunter please?"  
  
CHRIS  
"...Oh my God! Satan is a total wuss!"  
  
SATAN  
"Silence or I shall burn you like a fireplace!"  
  
CHRIS  
"I'll be quiet!"  
  
JILL  
"You're looking for the hunter? I think I last saw him up in the attic."  
  
SATAN  
"Thank you, little lady."  
  
INT. ATTIC - EVENING  
  
The GIANT SNAKE is asleep in the attic. Something is moving around inside it. Satan enters the room.  
  
SATAN  
(To himself)  
"Hmm, where the heck is he?!"  
  
VOICE (O.S)  
"Mmph! Mmmphh! Mmmpppphh!"  
  
SATAN  
"What the...?"  
  
He notices a moving shape inside the Giant Snake. He lifts it up into the air, and WESKER, ZOMBIE, HUNTER AND LICKER all slide out. The Giant Snake then goes back up the chimney.  
  
WESKER  
"Oh, thank you, thank you! It smelt like ass in there!"  
  
SATAN  
"No problem. Now, where is the hunter?!"  
  
WESKER  
"Jesus Christ! I know you! You're the Devil!"  
  
SATAN  
"Correct! I must speak with the hunter!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Uh, I'm right here, Master."  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Master? What the hell are you talkin' about, Hunter? Albert Wesker is YOUR master!"  
  
SATAN  
"That's not strickly true, Zombie."  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Huh?!"  
  
WESKER  
"Yeah, uh, I'm not Hunter's REAL master, Zombie. Satan created Hunter. Satan is his true creator."  
  
ZOMBIE  
"W-What?! So you mean all this time we've been livin' a lie?! You said Hunter was one of us! But he wasn't, was he?!"  
  
WESKER  
"Calm down, Zombie."  
  
ZOMBIE  
"No! No, I won't calm down! We've treated him just like he was our own brother! I'm horrified!"  
  
LICKER  
"I lick always thought he might have lick been adopted. I mean, he doesn't even lick have the same colour skin that we have."  
  
WESKER  
"When Hunter was still very young, Satan came up from hell and gave him to me to take care of."  
  
SATAN  
"There was just too much pressure down below, what with Saddam and all... I just couldn't cope with another mouth to feed. I had to do something."  
  
HUNTER  
"...I tried to put it all behind me, but... I couldn't."  
  
SATAN  
"Anyway, Daddy has sorted everything out now, Hunter."  
  
HUNTER  
"Whaddya mean?"  
  
SATAN  
"I've dumped Saddam, and hell has never been a better place to live. I've come to take you back home."  
  
WESKER  
(Upset)  
"Oh, I always knew this day would come!"  
  
HUNTER  
"S-So I have to go back?"  
  
SATAN  
"Yes. Say goodbye to your friends, then meet me in the main hall."  
  
Satan leaves the attic.  
  
HUNTER  
(Sniff)  
"Well, I guess this is the end."  
  
WESKER  
"I-I'll miss you, Hunter."  
  
They hug.  
  
WESKER  
(Crying)  
"You... You were always my special little guy."  
  
HUNTER  
(Upset)  
"Aw, thanks... Dad."  
  
WESKER  
"Aw, you called me 'Dad'. I love you, Son."  
  
They break up.  
  
HUNTER  
"C'mere, Licker."  
  
LICKER  
"Don't do anything I lick wouldn't do, Bro."  
  
They hug, then break up.  
  
HUNTER  
"Zombie?"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"...No! I refuse to hug him! I can't believe I ever thought you were my brother! I hate you!"  
  
Zombie runs off.  
  
HUNTER  
"Zombie, wait!"  
  
WESKER  
"Let him go, Hunter. Just let him go."  
  
INT. MAIN HALL - EVENING  
  
Chris, Jill, Rebecca, Claire, Leon and Satan are in the hall. They all have a beer each.  
  
CHRIS  
"So Satan, what's it like being the lord of darkness? Pretty sweet, huh?"  
  
SATAN  
"It's okay. Hey, you ever been to hell, Chris?"  
  
CHRIS  
"Ho, yeah! I've been to hell and back many times before!"  
  
SATAN  
"I wonder where Hunter is... He sure is taking his time up there..."  
  
CHRIS  
"Don't worry, Satan! Have another beer!"  
  
Wesker, Licker and Hunter all walk down the stairs.  
  
SATAN  
"Ah, ready?"  
  
HUNTER  
"I'm ready, Dad."  
  
WESKER  
"Be safe, Son."  
  
HUNTER  
"I will, Dad."  
  
LICKER  
"I'm confused!"  
  
CHRIS  
"What's going on, Wesker?"  
  
WESKER  
"Hunter is going back to where he came from. He'll no longer be around anymore."  
  
CHRIS  
"Cool! I hated him!"  
  
HUNTER  
"See ya, everyone! Bye!"  
  
He and Satan both disappear.  
  
WESKER  
"...Goodbye, Son."  
  
CHRIS  
"Man, this is depressin'... Let's have some more beer!"  
  
INT. HELL - EVENING  
  
Satan and Hunter appear next to a pool of hot lava.  
  
SATAN  
"Well, here we are, Son."  
  
HUNTER  
"So... now what?"  
  
SATAN  
"Well, how about we see how tough you are?"  
  
HUNTER  
"Wha?"  
  
SATAN  
"Heh, go scare the shit out of that human over there."  
  
HUNTER  
"B-But I can't do that. It's wrong."  
  
SATAN  
"Whaddya mean?! Scare him!"  
  
HUNTER  
"I-I can't..."  
  
SATAN  
"Hmm, being up there in the real world for too long has made you weak and pathetic. Watch me in action."  
  
Satan creeps up behind the HUMAN.  
  
SATAN  
"Hey, do you wanna suck my dick?"  
  
HUMAN  
"W-What?! No way!"  
  
SATAN  
"Come on, suck it! And rub my nipples too!"  
  
HUMAN  
"No, no! Argh!"  
  
He runs off in fear.  
  
SATAN  
(Laughs)  
"See that, Son? A real pro in action!"  
  
HUNTER  
(Nervous)  
"Heh-heh-heh!"  
  
INT. MANSION - EVENING  
  
Claire and Leon are having hot sex on the bed in the storeroom.  
  
CLAIRE  
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes! Leon, harder! Fuck me!"  
  
LEON  
"I am, Baby, believe me, I am!"  
  
They start to go faster, when the door opens and the zombie walks in.  
  
CLAIRE  
"Oh, fuck! Leon, you're the bomb!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Oh, shit! What a scene!"  
  
LEON  
(To Zombie)  
"Get the fuck outta here!"  
  
Zombie pulls Leon off Claire.  
  
LEON  
"What the hell are you doin', Dude?!  
  
ZOMBIE  
"I wanna screw her! I'm feelin' depressed!"  
  
CLAIRE  
"No, help me, Leon!"  
  
Zombie pulls down his pants and tries to climb on Claire, but Leon tackles him to the floor.  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Lemme go, dammit!"  
  
LEON  
"You little bitch!"  
  
He starts to beat the crap out of the zombie, when Wesker walks into the room.  
  
WESKER  
"Good news, Zombie."  
  
Leon gets off the zombie and goes back to making love with Claire.  
  
CLAIRE (O.S)  
"Oh, Leon! My hero!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Whaddya want, Wesker?"  
  
WESKER  
"I've got a surprise for you. Come with me to the lab."  
  
INT. LAB - EVENING  
  
Wesker and Zombie walk in.  
  
ZOMBIE  
"So what was so damn important?!"  
  
WESKER  
"Well, I know how much you're missin' the hunter. So I made you a new brother."  
  
ZOMBIE  
"A new brother?! Really?! Wow! Thanks, Captain!"  
  
A black LAB MONSTER steps out from the tank.  
  
LAB MONSTER  
"Hi, I like to play with you!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"He-He's perfect! What's his name?!"  
  
WESKER  
"His name is Lab Monster, but I called him 'Labby' for short."  
  
LABBY  
(To Zombie)  
"Wanna play?!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"You bet! Hell, I've forgotten all about Hunter now!"  
  
WESKER  
(Laughs)  
"Me too, Zombie! Me too!"  
  
Zombie and Labby both run off to play.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
